It’s My Birthday: I’ll Blog if I Want To

by SimplySharpe on January 26, 2013

Be Where You Are

Today has been one of the best birthdays I’ve had in years. I let myself take the weekend off from dieting and enjoyed chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, a massage at my favorite spa, some shopping and will soon be getting ready for a dinner that my hubby planned all on his own.  I let myself get lost in birthday love on Facebook, which really is the most amazing thing, and I wish it happened more than once a year.

If you had asked me about my birthday last week, I did not want to do anything. I wanted to wallow. I wasn’t upset about getting older per se. It really has more to do with how my age affects my fertility. I’ve been pretty silent on this subject because I was not sure I wanted to publicly grieve the loss of our angel last year. I’ve been doing my best to suffer silently and pretend everything is okay.

Some days, things are okay. I know that G-d has a plan, even when I don’t understand what it is. This knowledge did nothing to comfort me on January 18th, the day I was supposed to give birth to my first child. I thought I would be spending my 36th birthday holding the best birthday present in the world, a healthy baby boy, but G-d had other plans.

Instead, I’m holding my hubby tighter and taking time for  some much needed introspection. I feel very good about the big changes I began making last year and will continue to make progress on this year. I have learned so much about what things matter and what things I need to let go of. I have overhauled my entire life and finally understand the true meaning of gratitude.

I thought I was a thankful person before, but I have never appreciated things as greatly as I do today. I think that is what happens when you experience great loss. You learn how much every little thing means in a way that many other people may never understand.

My birthday wish is to find a way to apply all this learning into helping other people who are silently suffering. I know in time this will come true. Today, I just wanted to write something about how special my birthday was with a little more detail than I was comfortable sharing. I believe in dancing outside my comfort zone, especially when I least want to.

Thanks for reading.

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